When I was a nurse, I used to witness the devastation on a person’s face, when their loved one or parent didn’t recognize them. I was heart broken for them but couldn’t truly understand what that felt like… until it happened to me.
My grandfather, in his last few months would briefly forget me. Each time, I would silently question my existence. It was as if a part of me died each time. Although, we were told that his forgetting was due to confusion, I do believe that towards the end he slipped into some type of dementia, it was never diagnosed. Eventually, during our visits, my grandfather would come back to us and remember myself and my husband. In the end, I never took our kids. I didn’t want them to experience that.
Recently, three of my family members are showing signs of slipping into the abyss of forgetting. Whether it’s Alzheimers or Dementia, the results and the collateral damage are similar. None of this is easy to watch, figuring out the best course of action is, in my opinion, the hardest. If you tell your family member what you think you are witnessing, and it turns out that you are wrong – there maybe the idea of betrayal. If you see something that indicates a possibility later, you may second guess yourself, and eventually, not believing what you’re seeing. On the other hand, you decide to have them evaluated, and you are right, now you have this long, unknown road ahead of you. I think for most of us, we truly want the best for our loved ones. We worry about what they want, what they’re experiencing, and if this is the quality of life they wanted for themselves. We prepare ourselves for the weight of stigma, of pain, and worse yet – being forgotten.
I have seen the look in someone’s eyes when they are trying to remember the person in front of them. And I have seen the pain that causes for the person being looked at. In life pain is unavoidable; love is freeing! When my grandfather would begin to remember me, I could see the love and warmth overcome his face and he would smile. I loved his smile. No matter what stage you are in on this journey with your loved one, take comfort in knowing that you are doing the best you can, that they really love you (because they are in there somewhere) even if they can’t remember to tell you, and that you will never be forgotten when you do something out of love for someone else!